A Sonnet to Shel Silverstein

 Off-kilter Poems by Jay Horne

All Illustrations by Jay Horne and Copyright 2021 by Bookflurry Inc.

Chillin’ Like a Heroine

I’d rather not chill like a villain… Villains never chill, they’re always so busy trying to chill, they never chill…

Then they die tryin’ to chill… They’ll probably die saying, “I was just trying to chill…”

Then they will be chilly…

That’s creepy.

And to be clear, that is Heroine not Heroin.

Also will make you too chill and then chilly… blue in fact…

and your family blue, too…

Okay, I’ve gone too far.

Point is…

Let’s chill, but only cuz we’ve worked hard for it, and haven't hurt anyone.



Sin here

Sin there


Do I sin, if I in my mind,
literally pluck a duck?

In this world we’ve all sinned enough

Where sin has, in fact,
run amok.

Sin is a crime

Crime is a sin

Even when sin is for love.

Inter specially mating’s a sin…

Tell that to a sweet turtle dove.

You should use your creativity for something more productive.
I tried that at work. It didn’t work.

I’m All Pockets

Would you prefer, if I may ask,
what would your preference be…
To lick between an elephant’s ass —
or the ears of
some bunny?
Start licking:)

If There Were Hare on the Field Play Balls

If there’s no hare there, then no sin be if it were just shaved off…

But to be a proper pun indeed —

It’d have to be said by a man of the cloth.

In a World of Hurt

There’s one brave soul
that sticks and stones can’t break
Mum’s and Dad’s have tried it
when their kids deserve a spank
Poke and prod
and yell and scorn — 
still silly faces they will make
The young and old are wise —
They hide behind their funny bone
until their dying day.

I was a poet and knew it
till I blew it.

You know it.

Yeah, I changed that.

How Dead are You?

The man was one-hundred-and-two.

The thirty-year-old woman had but one month to live and took the old man’s hand and said,

“You have three more good years in you. I’ll meet God sooner, I know more deeply that he’s real…”

The old man said,

“Just because you’re closer to death, doesn’t mean you’re wiser…”

The woman said,

“Who’s suffered more?”

Let There Be Dark

Ever wonder what it would look like to remove all the physical stuff in the Universe and just watch the space dance around?

Ever look at that and say,

I could do that?

Ever look at this and say,

I did that?

Ever look at all this shit and say,

Why the fuck did I do that?

ET phoned home

ET cloned home

ET roamed Rome

who built Rome?

and how long did it take?


I reason that there is a reason we reason.

Everything I unreasonably do ends up being for some reason I didn’t see.
Might the reason be reasoning itself?

Like meat in its seasoning.

Reason just takes on meaning as it soaks and seasons.

That sounds reasonable.

Okay maybe you’ve not heard it before —

The alarm goes off when it makes a noise and

I sit-up or sit-down, what’s the difference? Same result.

Put on only one bra but a pair of panties?
I stuff my suit in a garment bag and all my garments in a suitcase.

Then I cook a bacon for breakfast… tonight I’ll bake a cookie for dessert.

The car’s parked in a driveway, but I drive it on the parkway,
to the building which is already built.

Inside I stop to take a dump but leave a turd.

I’ve got my Masters and my Doctorate but in my office I will ever only get to Practice —

on this vegetable that has likely fallen into a coma,

does that make it a person?


Please, don’t expose my brilliance,
because I can’t keep it up!
But if you ladies can handle it
I may try to stand for it.
Poem’s over
Bottom’s up!

Tits Up

Breasts are best when served with legs

a million dollar bill…

She’s all dressed up
for heated fun
what a perfect grill

Let’s get it cooking
She’s a hookin’
Ocean’s got its fill

Are we talking

Winner, winner?
Chicken dinner?

or a thrill?

Written February 18th, 2021 by Jay M. Horne

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Jay Horne is an author and publisher out of Bradenton, Florida. He is a husband and father of four.
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